Deathbed Requests

Next to my bed is a large envelope called the 'Just in Case' kit. Once they had a different name: 'End of Life' kit. I prefer not to mince my words, and I have particular reasons for my requests. I have been preparing for my death for two years now, and it is getting closer. There is a chance of postponement if, when the leukaemia returns with a vengeance, I successfully undergo FLAG IDA chemotherapy. Of course, I may opt to die rather than undergo the chemotherapy: if the two months of treatment don't hold out hope of more than a brief extension to my life, I see no point in undergoing it. Since my original treatment started two years ago I have experienced a remarkably good quality of life. Of course I don't want to die, but I may opt not to receive the treatment. Whatever happens, I have some thoughts, as I do have choices.

I would prefer to die at home. This depends on my wife being willing to accept this. If I am in hospital undergoing treatment this may not be an option. Ideally I'd like to die at home, supported by whoever of my family and friends is willing to sit with me and hold my hand, even if I am unconscious.

I am told that there is a likelihood that death may come in the form of a brain haemorrhage, which sounds merciful, and quite quick, and without suffering.

In my lifetime I have only been drunk twice: once as a student, and once as a lecturer, when my students on a field course I was leading felt that I had missed out. I do not like losing consciousness. I have never taken drugs for recreational purposes. I have avoided any unnecessary medication. In most cases I do not obtain the prescriptions that doctors have given me. I don't take any painkillers, bar a very occasional paracetamol, perhaps half a dozen in a bad year. I do not want to be given any morphine, or any similar drug, under any other circumstances except for extreme pain. I am fortunate in having an extremely high natural pain threshold. For fuck's sake don't you dare pump me full of such drugs to keep me quiet. If I am agitated, that's fine. I don't care if it upsets those around me. Just hold my hand. I have been with the dying and I know what I am talking about. It's the same with drugs to alleviate the death rattle. I don't want them. Let me rattle. By that stage I won't even be aware. If people are upset please ask them and allow them to leave me. It's me who's dying, not them. And when I am dead then matters proceed normally.